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23 June 2017

Can’t wait for my peace. Fantasizing about books, libraries. The epic of Gilgamesh. No A levels. Finally, a quiet brain. Writing. Yale-NUS. These two years in Tanglin have been a vacuum– me a Butterly resting in a caccoon, from the world, playing with myself.
These few years, have been me playing with myself. I am shedding this cacoon. It is time for me to go outside. To see the world. To play. To love. To touch, fondle, have my heart genuinely broken by people that I come to love. Not, lying in soft green beds. Lying in the real world. On the tarmac. People staring strangely at a girl breathing in the traffic. Or not.

Playing, playing with myself/ playing with myself/ Time to put away the toys my little hands. Time to hold someone real. Time to genuinely fall in love, with a real person, not someone who could see me. Time to feel the skin soft upon my body, feel the air against my skin, close my eyes, and laugh. To have my day packed with people, to have too much to do, to little time. To love my family. To live a new life, with God. To love. To be settled. To love. To be settled. TO be kind. To see.

‘how many more years, Amanda? How many more years before I can go and see my daughter?’
My conversation with Lucy. I can’t imagine, living in someone else’s house, being detached, looking in, playing politics. I am sorry.

Why do I get to dream, but others don’t? I walk and walk, but I still make no friend.
/In a stranger’s land. You breathe. Thank you for making me feel less lonely that night. Thank you for sitting with me in the dark.

No more lists now. Just days, just life. I am happy, despite and because of this messy and beautiful world. Thank you.

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